26 May 2006

Situations vacant / personal ads

Incompetent Head Gardener seeks enthusiastic and able Allotment Assistant for dirty days out with garden tools.

Job description:

• Digging when I tell you, where I tell you and in the manner I tell you. Digging while removing endless bindweed roots. Then more digging.
• Motivating me on weekend afternoons, comforting me in times of slug attack, turning a blind eye to my seed-buying mania and the fact that it might bankrupt us, and reining me in when my plans for the plot verge on the megalomaniacal.
• Calling several local scaffolders in order to source redundant scaffold boards, putting up with many repeats of the only joke scaffolders know (the one about ‘the best erection’, ha ha!), discovering it’s a dead end and instead negotiating a good deal with a pretty unreliable bloke from a reclaimed timber yard. More succinctly put as ‘being a miracle worker’.
• Doing all the above with something approaching enthusiasm and without complaint, just because you know I need all the help I can get.

Person specification:

• Absolutely no horticultural expertise whatsoever (in order to spare my blushes when the depth of my ignorance is revealed).
• Saintly patience in order to tolerate spending all that time digging when you’d much rather be sitting in front of your computer reading blogs or designing stuff.
• Must look gorgeous while digging, even in the rain. And while weeding. And while strolling home from the allotment. Must look gorgeous at all times.

Pay and benefits:

• How far will eternal gratitude get me?
• Eternal gratitude not getting me much work, eh? How about fresh air, exercise and loads of lovely organic veg?
• Still not conviced? You drive a hard bargain. OK, OK. The mis-shapen vegetables are yours to do whatever you like with. Enjoy.

Remarkably, I seem to have found the right person for the job!

Happy (belated) birthday, babe!

Filed under: Mulch — Clare @ 1:27 am